In my discussions with clients, I discuss the difference between Experiential fact and Objective fact. I also discuss that many times, something is neither purely experiential or purely objective.

Lisa Haneberg posted an article in which she discusses her weight and how her weight affects her life.

Lisa's situation is a perfect illustration of something which is not purely experiential or purely objective.

Her situation is caused in part by her scripting. Scripting is experiential, it is not objective. Lisa says:

(T)he greatest barriers that a fat person faces is judgments and assumptions he or she makes about his or herself.

Like many things in life, I think our self-perceptions become our greatest barriers to optimal success.

{snip}

Doesn't the mental garbage that comes with being fat get in the way? Please don't tell me there is not mental garbage – I would challenge ANYONE who says they have no mental garbage.

{snip}

... I would venture to guess that most neuroses don't come close to the almost always-on mental garbage that comes with being fat. It comes up in so many ways and times. Yes, this is self-inflicted crud, but it is also normal and human because no matter how much we say we don't, we do care. We care what people think and we care about how we look. And we care about the people who are sitting next to us on a plane. And we care about the amount of space we take up in a restaurant booth. And we care about whether we look professional and how well we represent our companies. And we care about how we feel and we care about our loved ones. And we care about whether our coworkers have to walk at a slower pace when walking with us to get a bite for lunch. And we care about whether meeting room chairs will accommodate us. And we care about whether we can participate in fun company functions. And we can about so many little things that fit people do not think about.

Everything that Lisa describes in the above extract is experiential. It is a result of what she refers to as mental garbage.

But later in the article, she tells us about something which is not mental but rather objective.

During the imaging of my neck arteries, the technician picked up that my thyroid is enlarged. My doctor confirmed that I have a thyroid nodule and now I am undergoing tests.

Now it may sound to you, if you do not know Lisa, that her problem is that she is not "positive" enough. Actually you would probably be wrong. Although I can not read Lisa's mind and can not therefore speak with first-hand expertise of what goes on minute by minute in her mind, the fact is that she is known as being a very successful person whose leadership and accomplishments raise her above the mediocre crowd.

So what do we have going on here?

The PMA crowd will convince you to create mental denial. You will hear dangerous advice like "Fake it, till you make it" and "To be enthusiastic, you have to act enthusiastic." All of that is a recipe for what Anna Freud and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross called "Denial."

My coined phrase for discussing denial is: "When desires are allowed to drive convictions, your pathway leads towards Denial."

Your attitude can have a very strong affect upon your experiential life. It can have a limited affect upon those areas of your life in which objective fact and experiential fact share with one another. But it can have no affect upon that which is purely objective.

Not only do we need the courage and positive attitude to change what we can change, but we also need to have the serenity to accept what we can not change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Healthy self-assessment includes both a willingness to examine past failures and a belief that self improvement is possible. It also includes an ability to assess the difference between what can be changed and what cannot be changed.

For example, science has discovered that effective long-term weight loss requires some counter-intuitive measures. When the body loses weight rapidly, there are biological defense mechanisms which start functioning inside the body. In order to work around these mechanisms, effective weight loss requires a very slow (and counter-intuitive) strategy which includes some of the very foods that contribute to weight gain.

Because of these defense mechanisms, one must continue to experience the external stimuli which is discussed by Lisa such as "...what people think and ... how we look" and "the amount of space we take up" and "whether we look professional and how well we represent our companies" and "whether our coworkers have to walk at a slower pace when walking with us" and "whether meeting room chairs will accommodate us" and "whether we can participate in fun company functions."

We can not prevent these types of events occurring but we can choose how we "experience" external stimuli.

I like to ask my clients "what is a beautiful day?". Is a rainy day, beautiful? Is a sunny day, beautiful? Is a stormy day, beautiful? Rainy, Stormy and Sunny are external stimuli. But how we choose to experience these stimuli is what defines our own personal definition of a beautiful day.

So it is also with the "feedback" that someone gets from others during the time they are slowly engaging in self-improvement. Most people desire other people's recognition of their progress. But many times that recognition does not occur for a long time. Other people may expect you to revert. Other people may not see the amount of progress that you have already made. And there will almost always be some people who will be opposed to the objective and vision which you possess.

You must learn to treat social feedback the way every U.S. President has had to treat the criticisms of those who are opposed to his political vision. Whether Democrat or Republican, whether pacifist or aggressor, whether progressive or conservative, all Presidents have had to learn to choose how they will internally experience the criticisms of their opponents.